Failure with Sobriety

Saturday was my one year anniversary of sobriety – and though I wish I had successfully achieved the start of this new “dry” life, I did not achieve full sobriety due to an event a couple weeks ago and, frankly, I’m mad about it.

A couple weeks ago, my husband and I had an epic date night; we went out for a nice dinner, then out to see Cirque de Soleil. We decided to do the “Lounge” upgrade – which gave us special seating and complimentary snacks and drinks before the performance and during intermission. And not just pop and water – alcoholic drinks as well! Hubby convinced me to have “one small drink”. And it was – it was, probably, less than 3oz in a plastic keepsake champagne flute.

And the problem? It was really good. And I really wanted another.

I didn’t – because we figured even if I drank Perrier all evening, I’d still drink enough to make up the cost of the Lounge.

And you know what? I was actually quite pissed off and upset that my husband convinced me to have a drink instead of being steadfast in my decision of sobriety when my willpower waivered. I was almost in tears when, the next day, I made him promise to never do that again.

You see, this is where the problem is and the cycle that has plagued me for years; I vow never to drink again (usually because something shitty happened). It lasts for a month or two. Then, maybe a special event happens. Then “a drink once in a while wouldn’t hurt”. Then it’s a weekly thing. And then I’m back to my old ways, over drinking, over eating, drug cocktails, etc. I get obsessive compulsive with certain things – and around food and alcohol is one of them. I don’t keep “junk food” in the house because I’ll eat it just on the pure fact that it’s there. If there’s an open bottle of wine, I’ll drink until it’s finished – no matter how tipsy I am!

And, unfortunately, those “shitty things that happen” when I drink too much, is much more than getting sick or having a wicked hangover the next day (or two). Between 2013-2016, I was sexually assaulted/raped 3 times and all events involved alcohol.

When I was reading Paulo Coelho’s “The Alchemist”, it said something like “If something happens twice, it will surely happen a third time”. Yes, I’m sure that’s completely paraphrased, but the message stuck. Unfortunately, it also came over 2 years too late.

(Isn’t hindsight wonderful?)

However, I knew it wouldn’t happen again because I vowed to give up drinking. Yes, I could just drink on “special occasions”, but I know myself and I know the unhealthy cycle that it creates – no matter how aware I am. No matter how intentional I try to be, it never works. It is my best interest to not drink anything, any time, with anyone. I am healthier mentally, emotionally, and physically to stop drinking alcohol all together.

And if people don’t respect that decision, then there’s going to be a problem – because if they’re trying to convince me to do something against my best interest, then they don’t have a place in my life. Yes, my husband convinced me that one evening, but he now knows that it’s a hard no. This is something I’m not willing to waiver on.

Because, you know what? It’s not my job to make others feel better about their shitty habits…. and if me drinking takes attention off their behavior, then they’re not, truly, a friend. Making me feel guilty about a healthy habit that is better for my body, mind, and soul is a quick way to have me unfriend you.

Because nothing is more important to me than bettering myself – and my marriage.

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