It Sucks To Suck It In

I had a bit of a wake-up call this morning. I don’t even know how it happened – but when I got into work this morning, my uniform pants weren’t where I normally put them. The only thing I could think of, as I was distracted at the end of the previous day with a conversation that disrupted my regular routine, I accidentally stuffed them into my backpack – and I didn’t take my backpack to work this morning.

In a regular office setting it wouldn’t be a big deal. But, hello, military! You have to be in uniform unless otherwise approved.

I went to my boss and it was determined that I should go home to get my pants… unless I could find someone with a spare pair that I could borrow… if I was Air Force or Army, it would probably not be an issues, but I’m Navy and there’s not too many of us. I decided to go and check with a friend… she’s Navy and I figured we were about the same size.

Hizzah! She had a spare pair of pants!!!

Good feeling gone…. I could get them on. Barely. I could get them done up. Barely. And even though I could get them done up, I would be in for a very uncomfortable day. I decided to get the keys for one of the vehicles… I figured I could go pick up my prescription at the same time. Unfortunately, no one in that section had arrived yet and the keys to the work vehicles were locked up.

Great.

So I made a decision… I went back to my friends office and borrowed those too-tight, too-short, camel-toe tight pants and prayed for the best.

Initially, she suggested that I wear my jacket over top and pull it down to cover the zipper… and leave the zipper undone. PERFECT! That sounded like a brilliant plan! Unfortunately, the jacket is also on the slightly small side and wouldn’t pull down far enough. Not to mention it’s quite warm in our office, so the shirt and jacket would have been sweltering! Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the Naval uniform? It sucks! The other two elements get to wear their pj’s to work and the Navy gets unforgiving, unflattering uniforms. And to make matters worse, there’s a rubber strip of “teeth” around the waistband which, I can only presume is to keep the shirt tucked in. If your body is even slightly damp, they are a bitch to get on… so these pants, which need a colossal sized shoe horn to get on to begin with, would never go on! Good thing I had learned a little trick last year: if you lather yourself with moisturizer, the pants slide right on!

Having too small clothes sucks. Having to suck in your gut to get pants done up sucks. Having to sit down and praying that the zipper doesn’t pop sucks. Having to wiggle the pants on and off with great difficulty every time you need to go to the bathroom sucks. Getting a tummy ache/cramping because the waistband is digging into your gut sucks. Having to slather yourself with grease to get them on after a shower sucks!

And you know what else sucks? Knowing I have the ability to change my habits but I’ve been too lazy to force myself to go to the gym when I’m unmotivated and I barely put up a fight when I have cravings and I just give in. It sucks because I have been fighting this battle forever! It sucks because when I eat healthy, I feel amazing – and yet, I constantly spoil that feeling. I eat shit and I feel like shit. I can be so full from eating crap yet I will continue to eat more to the point that I’m surprised I don’t get sick. I will eat so much in one sitting first thing in the morning that I don’t eat for the rest of the day.

I am TIRED of this shit! I am tired of screwing up then belittling myself and verbally abusing my poor, aching soul! Yes, I fucked up! Yes, I’m stressed! Yes, I’m tired and frustrated! All I want to do is to be and FEEL healthy! To be in a healthy place, body mind and soul! And all this destructive behavior is taking me further away from my goal!

I managed to finish the book “Girl, Stop Apologizing” yesterday on my way home. At the end there was a bonus track from the live Lift experience – which I have decided that I have to get to one of these days! But it really got to me! I was choked up and was almost in tears on transit. The tears weren’t out of sadness – they were tears of recognition; like she was speaking to me directly. They were the tears of wanting to do better; to recognize my calling and want to charge in with banner flying as I screamed “NEW MOOD” with the other hundreds of women in attendance. They were the tears of wanting to be apart of something bigger, but still feeling like I was there and feeling the emotions.

But the tears were also the knowledge that I failed myself… but also of the recognition that I want to do better. That, more than anything in the world, I want to care for my body and mind how I should be! I believe we’re put on this earth to thrive and grow – not suffer and die a little bit more each day. And that’s what I’m doing; killing myself a little more each day.

Okay, yeah… that might be a little dramatic but I’m sure you get my drift.

I guess the important thing is that I recognize this. I see this in me – my actions and feelings – and I want to do better. And the really important thing is that I asked for help; I told my husband that I am not comfortable in my skin. I want to lose weight.

Now, now, now, before everyone gets up in arms, wanting to lose weight for health reasons is not the same as losing weight for conformity. I don’t want to lose weight for society; I want to lose weight for ME. I don’t even want to lose the weight for my husband – but I will need his help! I’m not – let me repeat that – I AM NOT going to go on a diet. However, being aware of what you consume and how you move is half the battle!

I don’t believe in “going on a diet” because I believe it’s a lifestyle – whatever that looks like, whatever works for you. If you can’t maintain how you’re eating for the long run (adjusting accordingly as I discussed in this previous post) then you should question how you’re choosing to live your life. When you choose a lifestyle eating modality, you should feel satisfied, glowing, healthy, vibrant… you shouldn’t feel restricted, heavy, or sluggish.

Also, I want to say, you can love yourself and still want to lose weight. Taking care of your body IS a form of self love.

Ultimately, you need to do what’s right for you… and for me, I’m tired of sucking it in.

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