Fucking Hormones…

Ugh. Hormones SUCK! I was doing so well last week, then Thursday hit. INSATIABLE sugar craving. Got some candy, ate half the bag, then threw the rest in the garbage. Saturday my period hit (which explains the sugar craving) and Sunday morning I had another sugar craving hit, I actually went into the garbage and dug out the rest of the candy and ate it.

Okay, first, before you get all grossed out, it was contained within the bag, in a fresh garbage bag with nothing but dry stuff on top of it, like empty plastic bags, and there wasn’t much in the garbage.

And, second, don’t worry – even I’m grossed out. I mean, really – I actually went into the garbage and fished out a bag of candy that I hadn’t finished eating because my craving was THAT bad! I wish I could say this was the first time I’ve done this, but it isn’t – and this is why I usually dump the contents into the garbage instead of leaving them in the safety of an enclosed bag.

Yeah, I know, gross!

And to make matters worse, I STILL had the sugar craving this morning… so off I went to the convenience store – who happens to carry my all time favorite candy pack – and ate the WHOLE thing! Needless to say, I feel like shit. All 880 calories worth of candy gone… just like that… and I seemed to be helpless in the wake of my hormonal demands of sugary fare.

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It sucks…. scratch that. It fucking sucks. For the few days before my period and the few days when it starts, I seem to be plagued with a week, every single fucking month, of trying to resist – and failing – these ridiculously impossible cravings that leave me feeling bloated and disgusting. I haven’t been able to discover WHY I have these cravings  – okay… I know why (fucking hormones!), but I don’t know what to do to stop them and can’t find something that could be substituted that might be at least somewhat healthy!

But, no. I can’t find any relief for this idiotic and frustrating situation of being at the whim of my hormones.

So I did the next best thing and downloaded an app “couch to half marathon” (which I deleted a couple hours later as you only get the first week free and have to pay to upgrade to get the full program!). I’m planning on doing a couple of 5k races in the summer – already registered – but there’s also the Army Run in September which we heard about late last year as a friend who we met in Courtenay was participating and we’ve planned on running this year. We were planning on the 10k, but I’ve always wanted to do a half marathon – and a full marathon, but one step at a time! Also, the Army Run will be about 10 days after my 1 year anniversary of sobriety – no unrequired drugs and no alcohol. I thought this would be a good “celebration”. I know I can do the 10K as we’ve done it before and I barely had time to prepare as I was recovering from a concussion so had 3 weeks to prepare after getting the green light from my doctors. This time I’ll have more time to prepare… 6 months to prepare… but for a half marathon, though? I don’t know!

All I know is that I have to do something positive that will get me moving in the right direction because dwelling on the cravings and the destructive nature of them is certainly not helping!!! It seems like when I’m pissed off and frustrated about them, BAM! The cravings smoke me upside the head and my brain shuts off until after I’ve committed dietary suicide! Have I mentioned hormones fucking suck? Cause, seriously? What would be the worst thing that could happen if I didn’t actually have candy? Like, really? Not a damn thing! Maybe I’ll cry (which has happened, but I was at home so no one saw) but likely I’d pout. Be grumpy. I don’t know.

It’s just SO frustrating!!!

Not to mention, I didn’t get yoga today. Haven’t been since Wednesday because it’s fiscal year end and there’s too much to do. I know that’s not helping much – without the mental stability that it provides – but I should be lucky I get time out of my day to go exercise to begin with! Things will settle down, I know, but it’ll be frustrating until then. So instead I went shopping, hahaha! Picked up a pair of workout pants that should be good for running and a couple of tops. Between hot yoga and the gym, I sometimes find it hard having enough to wear! It’ll get worse once I start riding my bike to and from work! And most of my pants are NOT good for running!

*sigh*… if things were easy I know I wouldn’t appreciate it, but why does it seem to be a CONSTANT battle!

Fucking hormones….

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